This is a timeless wisdom on how to handle situations involving anger in relationships.
A rule that I have personally followed for so many year (and it has helped me immensely at work and in life) is this: “There can be only one person in the angry boat.”
Anger as a response to anger escalates conflict. Calm in the face of anger is a step forward in resolving it.
Mahatma Gandhi got it right: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”
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I can tell this from my experience:
What you become eventually is a result books you read, stories you consume and people you meet.
That’s because all of the above helps you broaden your awareness.
Awareness helps us choose better.
Choices we make, end up making us.
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There is a HUGE difference between deciding to do something and actually doing it.
Consider this riddle:
5 frogs are sitting on a log of wood. 3 decide to jump. How many frogs remain?
Answer? 5, because 3 have only decided to jump. They have not actually jumped yet.
A decision is only as valuable as your ability to act on it.
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creates demand.
Do things that are scarce and you’ll never be out of job. Build a set of unique skills that are inherent to you. Blend them together to create something that only YOU can do.
If you want to be valued, be scarce.
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If you try to catch two monkeys at the same time, you’ll miss both.
If you are thinking about meeting a friend while studying, you are neither meeting the friend, nor studying. You are missing out on both.
Do one thing at a time, and do it well. Multi-tasking is a myth.
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To get anything done, you have to follow-up with yourself or other people who are getting it done.
Knowing what needs to be done (e.g. task lists) is a good start. But following up is the key to execution. It is the key to getting any job done.
Create tasks but revisit them end of each day. What is completed? What is pending? What will you do tomorrow to complete? Who can help you do it? What dependencies do you have?
This simple system of revisiting and following up with your own tasks persistently is a great way to keep yourself (and others) accountable.
That’s how we make progress. That’s how things get done.
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As we grow, we tend to spend most of the time for Vitamin-M (Money). It’s necessary but not sufficient for living a good life.
We need Vitamin-N (Nature) too. Each morning, get some sunlight. Walk barefoot on grass. Build hobbies that help you stay close to nature (e.g. photography or hiking). Sit in the balcony and hear birds chirping in the morning. Watch monsoon clouds passing by. Chase a good sunset. Plant a tree (or a sapling). Care for a pet.
This becomes important in today’s world where natural spaces are being encroached by urban developments – and we are spending most of our time in curated spaces that has a lot of style but very little substance.
Nature provides us with substance.
How about replacing or matching your “screen” time with “green time”?
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When we make a promise to someone else, we are more likely to keep it.
But what about promises that we make to ourselves?
The easiest person to take for granted is your own self. We have a tendency to put our plans on a backseat the moment someone else out there starts expecting us to do something. We have been taught that it is selfish to prioritize ourselves. It’s not.
That needs to change, IF you want to chart your own unique path.
Because constantly working on expectations of others makes you mediocre. It’s important to serve others and while you are doing it, be selfless.
Greatness comes from working on YOUR own priorities. When you work on your own priorities (whether it’s your health, well being, projects, career etc), be selfish. That’s when you can bring your real self into the game.
That’s when you differentiate.
That’s how you thrive.
P.S: This is as much a note to the self as much as a note to you.
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Stuck in something that you are not able to solve?
Take a break. Step away. Take a walk. Listen to your favorite song. Talk to someone about something different. Take a nap.
When we step away to a place of calm, our sub-conscious mind builds perspective. It enables you to view the situation/problem through an different lens.
That often leads to a breakthrough, a solution, a response.
When in doubt, step out!
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“I am not good at that” is a language of victim.
If it is your choice to not be good at something, say “It have chosen not to invest my time learning it.”
If you intend to get better at something you are not good at, you can say “I am not good at that yet.”
“Yet” changes everything. It changes your posture towards the possibility that you can be great someday.
Using proactive language may make an impact on others, but more importantly, it changes the way you approach things.
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If you want to succeed and be happy, remember this:
Do more of what looks like work to others but is play for you.
For me, helping people grow is play. Creating visual synthesis of great ideas is play. Writing is play. Improving things and solving problems is play. I would do it (and I have done it) even when no one would pay me for it.
Find out what feels like ”play” when you do it – and then build upon it.
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Great Opportunities never knock the door or come with an announcement. When they come, they are hardly recognizable.
That’s because they usually come dressed as “problems”.
When we see problems as problems, we dread them.
We we see problems as opportunities, we solve them.
Next time you face a problem, ask, “Is this an opportunity in guise of a problem?”
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“Your enjoyment of travel is inversely proportional to the size of your luggage” – Kevin Kelly
I had to unlearn the habit of packing stuff that I would never use during the travel. I now pack the minimum I require to travel.
In life as in travel, knowing how much you “really” need is everything.
We go through life with excess baggage of unnecessary emotions, thoughts, anxieties and dreams that are not truly ours. Then we feel burdened as we travel through our days.
Pack only as much as you need. Then enjoy the sojourn.
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Choices that work for others may not work for you.
Someone opts to learn Biology. Someone chooses Arts. Someone drops out to start a business.
These are just “different” choices, not “right or wrong” choices.
If people are unique, how can their choices be similar? What works for others may simply not work for you.
Understanding this is a sign of maturity.
Only then, you can play your unique game. Only then, you can truluy differentiate yourself.
Yes?
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The world we live in rewards the “appearance of success”.
You gain attention by driving a fancy car, even when the car is 100% financed. Appearance matters more, not the substance. Same is true for someone who has a fancy designation, even when he/she does not love the job. They pull on because that is what they think is valued by others.
Living a life to simply “appear successful” is a treadmill that we need to get off. True wealth is simplicity.
N. R. Narayan Murthy, the founder of Infosys drove a Maruti 800 to office when many of his employees drove fancy and expensive cars. NRN once said that my job is to create wealth for others, not appear wealthy. Warren Buffet is known for being the richest man with a rather humble lifestyle.
Real success and wealth are silent.
But how do you find independence from such a sticky and invisible treadmill of living to other’s expectation?
Two things come to mind immediately:
1) Do the work you love for the cause that you care for. Sure, it takes time and experimentation to find the work you truly love but it’s worth the effort. Doing work that you don’t enjoy drains you.
2) Live below your means: Real indepence from the treadmill of appearing successful is to live a modest life. People take expensive loans to buy things they don’t need to impress people who don’t care using money they don’t really have. What’s the point? Enjoy the fruits of your labor, but always be mindful that you save/invest enough before you spend.
If you can do the work you love and learn to spend less than you make, you’ll be okay. You won’t appear successful, but who said success is about appearance?
Success is about balance, remember?
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Preserving your Mental Health
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If you have read this blog so far, congratulations. You have gained INFORMATION.
If you have put even ONE idea from what you have read so far into PRACTICE, you will gain KNOWLEDGE about how it works. More importantly, KNOWLEDGE about your own self.
When you start adapting your actions according to what you learned from doing, it makes your own life better. Now, you have acquired wisdom.
Therefore, here is my suggestion:
STOP READING THIS BLOG if you have not been able to put a single idea so far into practice.
Real learning happens when you DO something about what you read and experience.
Without DOING, all your reading is simply stuffing your mind with information. It is intellectual stimulation.
That’s barely useful, right?
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Your words attract energy.
If you use toxic words, you will be surrounded with toxicity.
If you use kind words, you will attract kindness in your life.
Before you speak, THINK:
When what you speak isn’t any one of the above, the best expression is to choose silence.
This does not mean you soften your language or be too submissive. This is not about being weak.
Saying what is true requires firmness. Saying what is helpful may not always be platable. But you still say it with words that clarify your intent. Words that gets other person to think. Words that generate energy.
When you consistently choose words using THINK acronym, you build trust of others. You solve problems. You build relationships. You become a better person yourself.
Then, you attract the right energy.
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If you want to run a marathon, don’t start with thinking about which wall will you showcase your medals on.
Start with running a kilometre or two. Focus on building strength and stamina so that you can run 5 kms.
Do it for a while and then run 10 kms. Then take up a half-marathon.
This is how we build our capacity to do bigger things. That’s how we build confidence.
That’s probably the reason they say that a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.
What’s that small next step for you?
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Sometimes, we really want to do something but we cannot because we think we don’t have time.
The rule of 90-90 comes in as a handy tool.
Find out what you truly want to do or learn.
Spend first 90 minutes of the day doing it.
Do this without a break for 90 days.
You will see the change.
P.S: For me, being creative is what I want to be. So I spend first 60-90 minutes of the day writing this blog, creating sketchnotes, reading a book and consuming ideas that are important to me. This habit has been a game changer for me. Give it a try!
P.P.S: 90 minutes may be too much if you are time constrained. Start with 20 minutes a day doing what you truly want to do. Increase it as you find momentum.
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